Hey people!

I've moved to another bloggie-> http://darling-babygreen.blogspot.com

I'll still keep this bloggie though cuz it's been a few years that it's with me, sentimental value you know. So yeah check out my new bloggie alritey! Please tag when you visit kaez & dont forget to link me up! Take care! =)

This whole week I've been so damn pissed off with everything. Since Monday that is. It started with the MCS shirt. It's like I already designed it but I couldn't find the time and people to go with. So I guess I got very irritated that the President kept bugging me about when I would go to the shop to send the design for printing. Honestly, I got pissed off with the MCS members because of some reasons I shall not say here. I already sent the design yesterday and went with Fyra. I felt so guilty for asking her to accompany me when she's not even in my MCS la. I kept saying "sorry" to her till she got irritated. Basic courtesy! Hehe... Yeah so I guess that's one burden off my shoulder. It's not that I wasn't sincere in making the shirt but I just thought it would be much better if the rest of the members at least be concern of THEIR OWN shirt. Whatever it is, I'm over that. I'm so not going to Queensway again to collect the shirts next week, let the rest go. Seriously, I understand everyone is busy but it's not as though I'm so free right. Haiz... Never mind, IT'S OVER! =)

Anyway, since the shirt incident, I've not been myself lately. My friends even noticed it. There're like so many things to do yet so little time. Everytime I reached home, I'll always be so tired. Luckily, I could do my work without sleeping over them at home as I've been staying back in school to finish up my work. And I succeed! *clapx* Hehe... But sometimes before I go to sleep, I think about my life now. I know I've been so damn busy with school stuff that I feel like I don't have a life, a real life. I don't even have a proper diet to the extent that I usually eat a proper meal just once or at most twice a day. I do wonder sometimes if I really have so much work or am I just stressing myself to run away from reality...

Let's talk about something happier. Guess what?? I'VE GOT NEW SPECS!!! Hehe... It's really nice! Whoa, I'm advertising for my specs. Hehe... I went to Clementi with Winnie to take my specs. Actually supposed to go with someone else but never mind, shall not talk about that. So back to my specs. Everyone said it's very nice! Of course it's nice, see who's the person who chose it la. Hehe... *rolls eyes*

Well I hope I would be ok soon. I don't like to get pissed off easily. I'm not the kind who gets angry easily, it's really not a good feeling to be angry all the time you know. Especially when I'm dedicating myself to studies now. I can't afford to let emotions take over me anymore. It would really affect my concentration if my emotions take the better of me. I have to find peace somehow. Maybe I should go to the beach one day. Hmm...

][RiNdU dI hAtI tIdAk AkAn TeRuBaT sELaGi KaU tIaDa Di SiSiKu...][

I went to Esplanade to see the fireworks!! *wee~* Went with SYZtaz & the MBs too!We met up late because of ME & Yanie!hehe... I went home after school to sleep and I overslept! *oops* Yanie reached home late from her school so that's why she was late. Amazingly, our Queen of Late-ness was early! *wakaka~* {no offence!} hehe... Fyra looked super hot with her pinkness & Yanie looks more "fleshy" if there's such a word. She looked sexy yesterday! *wee-weet* hehe... We took 190 to Far East first because Fyra wanted to look for her sister's and her fren's birthday prezzie. After that, went to Old Chang Kee to buy some food. Bought my all-time favourites-Curry Puff & Corn Pie! *yummylicious* Then, we took mrt to City Hall to go to Esplanade. Man, there were like so many people! The three of us then held hands so that we won't lose each other. *awww~* Sweet right us??hehe... Met up with the MBs-Dee, Naq, Rool & Yana at one of the shops then we proceed to the Esplanade. I was still having my headache man... I guess I wasn't as lively that day. There, I became popular! I mean~!hehe... Saw people I know like 3 or 4 times till Fyra got jealous because she also saw her friends but maybe not as many as mine. Childish~!hehe... Anyway, the fireworks started at 9 and we were there early so we sat in a big circle and we played the "Chilli Chop" game. Nothing to do mahz... When it was time, we watched the fireworks & gosh they were like so damn beautiful! I took a video of the fireworks in my hp but unfortunately, my memory was full so I only got like a short video of it. *sigh~* I want my wedding to have fireworks too!!hehe... As I was watching the fireworks, I wished I could see it with him... I mean, I want to share all the beautiful things I get to see with someone special you know... Haiz... Anyway, SYZtaz accompanied Naq take the Woodlands line mrt to go home as she stays at Woodlands. SYZtaz alighted at CCK of course. We wanted to eat Mr Softie but the 7-11 at Lot1 doesn't sell it. So we went to McD to buy ice-creams. We talked for a while at the mrt station. I walked home with Fyra and we talked about our lives. After we separated, I was damn scared to walk home alone. I mean, now is the Hungry Ghost Festival month and it was around midnight! I wanted to call him actually so that he could accompany me, but when I thought about my last msg to him, I felt like a bitch. =( Haiz... So I just prayed alot in my heart and concentrated on reaching home asap. And I was safe! *phew~*

On Wednesday, woke up like in the afternoon since I was so tired. I dreamt of him again but I couldn't remember what exactly did I dream of. Forgetful-ness! Met up with Fyra in the late afternoon to study at Limbang. Dee was with her guy so Fyra & me sat on a different table from theirs. Guess what?? I was popular again! *wakaka~* When we walked into the McD, we saw Dee and her guy (Izad) first. Then few tables from theirs, was Seili and her friends and few tables from theirs was Ridhwan! See what I mean?? CCK my area mahz! *rolls eyes* Anyway, Fyra and I are like addicted to Twister Fries!! *yummylicious* Before we went off, we watched this show about a wife who puts black magic on her husband so that he would listen to whatever she says. She also had an affair but her husband didn't care since he was on a spell. Know what the potion she used on her husband?? Her urine with her saliva that are mixed with coffee! *eeww* We watched it from Izad's laptop. After that, I went to Fyra's house to watch NDP together.

I'm feeling kind of emotional now. The more I keep listening to the song he composed for me, the more I feel like following my heart. But now... Maybe what I thought of before is coming true... Maybe... Haiz...  =(

][ThE hApPiNeSs ThAt I'm FeELiNg NoW iS nOt ThE oNLy HaPpInEsS i WaNt In My LiFe~][

I had a bad dream yesterday in the morning before I woke up to go to school. It made me cry when I woke up from that dream. And it totally affected my day yesterday. I didn't talk much in school, even my Malay teacher noticed it. My dreams have a way of becoming a reality and I really hope that it won't come true. Simply because I would be devastated by it. Haiz...

On Thursday, I studied in school till night with Seili and Fauziah, but Fauziah left early to watch Singapore Idol results show. *rolls eyes* Hehe... Before that, I went to bukit batok to meet Aishah to get back my stuffs. She returned everything except for my handbag. Forgetful-ness! Hehe... She was late, so I went to West Mall to walk around. I went to the library (purposely). *shhh~* I was so excited that I got to meet him. But, felt kind of erm neglected that he didn't seem to want to talk to me and went about doing his work. I felt stupid too for showing how happy I was when he only gave a so-so response. Gosh, felt like hugging him, but I controlled myself. Hey, I just kind of miss him you know... So it turned out that he just didn't know how to react to my surprise visit. Hmm...

On Friday (yesterday), I had to see Ms Nura with some of my classmates. What she said to me kind of "hit" me hard. She said "You started out fine... Then what happened in the middle??" *whoa* That was so true. Maybe I can't balance my life afterall when I thought I could. So now I had to do up a study plan and show her this coming Monday. Lucky for me, if I do a study plan, I would follow it so it wouldn't be a waste of time doing it.

I'll be studying tomorrow with my friends. Maybe at Jurong Library I think. See how it goes...

Next week there'll be 3 days of holidays! *wee~* BUT not exactly a holiday as we need to use those days to study. *bluek* Tuesday will be a celebration day afterwhich I have Econs make-up lecture and maybe PW make-up lesson too. So I guess I have like half a day left on that day in which either I go out or stay at home. Either Wednesday or Thursday I have to go to my aunt's house for her anniversary celebration. So sweet! I want to celebrate my own anniversary too!! But haiz... So saddening... =(  So I'm left with one day of holiday to study. Gosh, time is moving so fast! =/

I recorded a song that he composed and sang for me in my hp. Everytime I listen to that song, I feel like crying. Haiz... His sweetness is melting me~

][Ku TaK tAhAn MeRiNdUiMu...][

Haiz... I don't understand why must things end this way. It was such a painful experience that I'm now too traumatised when it comes to guys. Now I don't have the power to decide about that anymore. One lesson that could be learnt is that excessive anger can destroy not only you but even the people you care about. Haiz...

But now, though I have my old life back, I'm still not happy. I know we can't always get the best of both worlds, just that I wish things would turn out differently. But what's done can't be undone and I'm afraid both of us got to live with this mistake all our lives... Haiz...

I really miss him... I can't help it. I feel sad when I think about us, especially when I listen to sappy love songs. How I wish I could talk to him again like as if we were still lovers... But I know, that's not possible anymore. *sobx~* ='(

For now, I have to focus on my studies. I'll be busy studying and studying till my brain oozes out. *urgh* That's disgusting! I'm joining the Night Study Programme in my school so that I can learn from my friends who are good in the subjects that I'm weak in. Apart from that, I have another study group to study at limbang. So this is it, the nerdy Princess is back from her holiday. Yeah right, whatever! *roll eyes*

][BiAr WaKtU yAnG mEnGuBaT rInDu Di HaTi~][

I know you're not ok, but please don't torture yourself this way... It saddens n hurts me to see you like that. Haiz... I know that I'm at fault for your condition now. Why must you involve your family in this, yes I know you care about me alot but haiz... I want you to wake up. Face the reality. Yes, I still have feelings for you, but too many chances I've given to you. Yet you didn't make use of those chances. It's not easy for me either, in fact it's harder for me to go through this because I'm the one loving you for too long. I'm sorry, please forget me...

][DoN't Do ThIs To YoUrSeLf, PLeAsE...][

There are 2 YouTube videos in my bloggie. Their lyrics are like reflections of my love life. Everytime I listen to these 2 songs, my tears would naturally flow like river. Haiz... Such are the pains that one has to go through in experiencing love. When things don't go as planned, will there still be a miracle??

PASTIKAN

(1)
Lihatlah Langit Di Atas Sana
Tersenyum Melihat Tingkah Kita
Selalu Ada Peristiwa
Yang Membawa Pertengkaran

(2)
Maksudku Hanya Ingin Yang Baik
Untuk Kita Berdua Dalam Bercinta
Baiknya Aku Buruknya Aku
Terimalah Aku Apa Adanya

(Chorus)
Pastikan Kau Dengan Aku
Jangan Ada Cinta Lain
Tak Pernah Aku Terlintas
Niat Ku Untuk Berpaling

Maafkanlah Aku Sayang
Bila Belum Kau Bahagia
Sejauh Langit Di Atas
Kan Ku Kejar Bahagiamu

(3)
Biar Langit Dan Bumi Meruntuh
Biar Jasad Kita Tertimbun Di Sana
Tetap Bersama, Tak Ingin Lepas
Mencintaimu Ku Jadi Begini

Ulang Chorus

Music Bridge

Ulang Chorus (2X) & (3)

BISAKAH

Daku Terasa Ingin Membawa
Cinta Yang Terlara Ke Titik Mula
Kembali Mencuba Untuk Kali Kedua
Menggilapkan Gerhana Jiwa

Pernah Ku Terasa Ingin Merayu
Pada Kasih Dulu Pulang Padaku
Lupakan Dosaku Putihkan Kelabu
Tenangkan Amarahmu
Namun…

Chorus
Bisakah Yang Terpadam Dinyala
Bisakah Yang Terhina Dicinta
Walau Ku Himpunkan Sesalku
Bisakah Terbuka Kalbu

Naluri Meminta Kuungkap Kata
Seindah Bahasa Janjikan Setia
Akan Bersemilah Cinta Dihatinya
Percaya Ku Semula
Namun…

Bisakah Yang Benci Disayangi
Bisakah Yang Dusta Dimaafi
Walauku Himpunkan Sesalku
Bisakah Terbuka Kalbu

Bila Senduku Berlinang Sayu
Dalam Rindu Ku Tertanya

Ulang Chorus

Bisakah Yang Benci Disayangi
Bisakah Hatiku Difahami
Walauku Himpunkan Sesalku
Bisakah Terbuka Kalbu

I still couldn't believe what he had said to me. Any idea how much that hurts me?? Gosh, all this while I've been so confused with the sudden turnout of things yet... To think I could actually think about going back to him! When he said that, it made my choice a lot easier. I mean, with my confused state of mind, I'm so vulnerable to anything people say to me now. I'm being overly sensitive, but that's just because I'm very affected by the separation. Who wouldn't when she has been holding on for five years only to be disappointed again... After what he said, I'm more determined to not be involved in anymore relationships, lets just say I'm losing faith in love. Besides, all my life there has only been one guy I've ever loved but haiz... Being strangers is the best way out for me, even if it's gonna hurt me like hell. It's damn hard to pretend everything's ok when nothing is. But I have to put on a mask, because I don't want anyone to worry about me. So I guess, I'll just continue what I've been doing every night-crying myself to sleep. And each day when I wake up, I'll sigh as I think of the mask I have to put on. That's it... I'm devoting myself totally in my studies from now onwards! I want to get promoted to J2, I really24 want to get promoted. I'm gonna do all I can to keep my mind off from that someone who had hurt me too much... ='(

][EvEn ThOuGh My GiFtS aReN't ExPeNsIvE, yOu DoN't HaVe To ThRoW tHeM LiKe As ThOuGh ThEy DoN't HaVe AnY vALuE...yOu'Re CrUeL & i HaTe YoU!!][

When I saw you, you didn't even smile. So I looked away, telling myself to be strong and just go for it. When I neared you, I was expecting at least a "Hi" but there was none. I said sorry for being late, you just nodded. I took out your stuff and gave it to you and said "Thanx". Again, you didn't utter a single word. I waited as you put your stuff in your bag but you seemed to ignore my presence as though I wasn't even there. I finally couldn't take ur long silence so I walked off without saying goodbye. Why? Because your silence made me want to cry. As I walked off, I was still hoping so much that you would come and pull me to give a hug. But you didn't. I just thought that since I had chased after you before, you would do the same. But you didn't.

At that point of time, I was listening to Massari's Real Love repeatedly. There were so many people and it took me forever to reach the toilet when I was on the verge of crying. Fortunately, I didn't have to queue to get into a cubicle. When I got in, I broke down. Yes, I cried. With the song playing in my earpiece, it only got me crying more. I couldn't possibly stayed too long in the toilet, so I went out after a few minutes. When I neared the toilet door, I was hoping that you would be outside waiting for me. But there was no one there. I wanted to cry again, but I pulled myself together. I went up to the second floor to go to Guardian to buy plasters. If only those plasters could cover the wound in my heart... After that, I proceed to walk home. The song was still repeating itself in my mp3 phone. As I walked home, I kept crying like a little girl who has lost something valuable. But I did lose something valuable to me-my First Love... I was hurting so badly inside me, and all I could do is cry. I was still wearing my ring, as though my life depends on it or else I would be dead. Yes, I realize I'm the stupidest girl on earth to be doing something I totally don't want to-living without you.

If only I could turn back the hands of time, I would have got into the same train as you. If only you would say something to me before I left, I would have said sorry for all I said. If only you weren't so cold to me, we would have gotten back together right there. I just didn't want you to see me cry, that's why I walked off. I wanted to show you that I'm strong, but I've failed because just thinking about my life without you makes me cry. And as though I wasn't hurt enough, suddenly memories of our love story came into my mind. I remembered the time both of us could not leave each other because we love each other too much. I remembered the times you wiped my tears when I was crying. I remembered the times you wiped my sweat with your hands willingly without feeling disgusted (which I would if i were you). I remembered the times we could not stop staring at each other lovingly. I remembered the times you would always hug me to stop me from crying when we fought. I remembered so many things about us. Gosh, I'm even crying as i typed this entry... ='(

But... What has happened to us now? I don't want to believe that our love story has ended, but I know that you probably don't want to continue our love story. I still do want to be with you forever, but it's too hard to be in this relationship. We've gone through so much together since five years ago, but it seems that there are much more difficulties we have to face in times to come. I didn't mean it when I said I gave up, I was just too angry. Now that I'm feeling the loneliness of not having you to be here for me everytime, I feel like calling you up to say that I'm sorry for being so stupid. God, please give me strength that I really need now... I'm really dying here... ='(

As my title suggests, I'm on a self-destruction mode. I'm gonna keep being in this mode as long as I'm living my life without him. I don't want to take care of myself. Even if I'm gonna fall sick and land in hospital again, I don't care. I know I'm being so emotional now, but just let me be. I can't see anything in this darkness, let me fall. I need you to pick me up, but I know you won't come back.

I still need you... Where are you...?? ="(

][KiNi HaNyA kEsUnYiAn DaN kEsAyUaN yAnG aDa Di DaLaM hIdUpKu...DaN kAu BiArKaN kU bEgInI...][

~The best way to live is to live your own dream~

It's my inspiration to myself. I thought i'm living my own dream, well maybe at least i used to. But i guess we don't always get what we desire. And that sucks! I had dreams of my future-who I want to be with in the end. But now, maybe I can never achieve that dream. I love someone, so much... But... Haiz... I hate to go through hard times, but I still persevere. The question is, exactly how much could a mere human being like me persevere? I'm not an angel or prophet who could be so patient. I have my limitations too. But then again, when I get selfish I would ask myself, "Why bother Sheila??" Yeah life is tough to live, it's survival of the fittest, whatever that means. *rolls eyes*

Sometimes when things get too tough for me to handle, I tell myself to give up BUT only to realize that I'm not the kind who would give up easily. Yeah annoyingly, that's the way i am-FICKLE! *argh* I know I'm strong and I can be independent. It's all in the mind. But let's just say I'm so used to someone taking care of me that I get afraid, so afraid that I would crumble and die without that person. Being too emotionally attached to someone is not very good, but when you're already in that kind of situation, what should you do? I'm confusing myself everytime. And that sucks! *argh*

My main point is... I STILL LOVE HIM A LOT~  =(

][WhY cAn'T yOu UnDeRsTaNd ThAt I'm AfRaId Of ThE uNkNoWn...?][